Drawer 107
by Enthusiastic Fish
Summary: Oneshot set during Kill Ari. It's just my interpretation of what Tim might have been thinking during that episode. And yes, Kate really was in drawer 107. I checked.


**A/N:** I wrote this a few months ago, wanting to look at _Kill Ari_ through Tim's eyes, what he might have been thinking.

**Disclaimer:** I still don't own NCIS. Just like I didn't yesterday, the day before or even two years ago. :) All recognizable dialogue is the property of DPB and the NCIS franchise.

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**Drawer 107  
**by Enthusiastic Fish

"Didn't you see Kate?"

"I didn't want to."

x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x

"Where were you before you took cover?"

"Uh, right here."

"Tony's right. You do owe that terrorist a thank you."

x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x

"Why haven't you come down to see me yet? If you don't peek at the back of my head, I'll just look like I'm asleep. I'm so lonely I'd even welcome a visit from Tony."

x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x

She was always there, hovering around the edges of his thoughts. Tim was sure he wasn't unique in that respect. Kate was in everyone's head, but they knew how to deal with it. Work. Work some more. Get justice, revenge, whatever. Do your job and pretend that it doesn't hurt. He tried to be like that...he failed miserably, but he tried.

_I wasn't up on the roof when she died. I was stuck behind the car...pinned down by the terrorist who made it so that Kate died instead of me...or maybe it was plus me...I don't know. I don't know,_ Tim thought. _Ari killed Kate. I do know that. I know that she's dead, but why do I keep seeing her?_

He kept looking toward the elevator. In the moments he had free to think about anything at all. He knew he should go down. He knew that Kate wouldn't want him acting like this, thinking like this. It wasn't as thought he'd never seen dead people before...granted he didn't enjoy it, but he'd seen them before.

Tim almost wished for the weird dominatrix Kate back. It had been disturbing to realize that he had those kinds of thoughts bouncing around in his head, but at least he wasn't opening filing cabinets and seeing her dead.

_I don't want to see you that way, Kate,_ he thought to himself. At least in his head she was still talking...even when she was dead. He knew where she was. He probably had known sooner than Tony had. Drawer 107. He clenched his teeth together for a moment. Kate was lying in a drawer. Kate was dead...in a drawer. No more teasing, no more laughing. She was gone. Her body was in a drawer. Everything that had made her Kate was gone. _Why should I go and see a shell? She's not there. Only her body is there...in a drawer._

Everything else that happened around him mattered less than the fact that Kate was lying in a drawer...no, her body was lying in a drawer. Tim did his best, but while Tony and Gibbs and even Abby could focus on other things without the distraction of Kate being dead...and lying in a drawer with a hole in her head, Tim kept thinking of her, wondering what she looked like.

Since she wasn't really there, it shouldn't make any difference whether or not he went to see her. No difference at all...she wouldn't know...and it wasn't anyone else's business. He didn't have to go...

...which didn't explain why it was that he was standing in front of the door to Autopsy and had been for the last ten minutes.

_Get it over with. Tony said she didn't look bad._ ...but this was Tony. What did _he_ know? He probably didn't think _anything_ looked bad. How was it that Ducky had been able to do her autopsy? He couldn't even open the door...let alone the drawer...

Another five minutes saw the door open. Tim stepped hesitantly into the room. It was empty. He didn't want to look, but his eyes immediately went to the drawer. He knew where it was. He was too analytical. Even though he'd never consciously paid attention to the drawer numbers, he knew they were there and he knew which one held Kate...held Kate's body. His legs didn't seem to have any feeling in them. He didn't want to walk over to the drawer.

He treated it like a computer program...the simplest kind. Basic. One step. One step at a time to Drawer 107. Open the drawer. Pull out Kate's covered body. Look at it.

Tim wasn't a crier. He never had been. He hadn't had too many reasons to for one thing, but even when there _had_ been a reason, he hadn't done much in the way of crying. He felt the unfamiliar tightening in his throat as he pulled back the sheet.

There she was. No talking. No jokes. Nothing. Just Kate's body. There were no inappropriate visions. The visions were banished by reality of Kate lying there dead. ...but Tony was right...Kate was right. She looked like she was sleeping...only she wasn't.

"I told you she looked good," Tony said, walking up behind him. He addressed Kate directly, but he looked at Tim. "Probie wouldn't believe me, Kate. He thought you'd look like the Return of the Living Dead."

Leave it to Tony to make light of the situation...but it wasn't funny. "I did not." His throat was still tight.

"Don't lie to the dead, McGee. Not nice." Tony stood on the other side of Kate.

The tears were closer to the surface now...but Tim didn't want to show them. He didn't want to cry...but he had to admit that Tony was right. "I was a little afraid."

Again, Tony talked to Kate instead of Tim...as if she could hear him. "Kid was terrified. But it took a lot of guts to come down here...alone. Showed how much he cared for you."

Kate didn't respond. She couldn't. She was gone. There was no reason to say anything to her...maybe it wasn't for her, maybe it was him.

"I really did like you, Kate," Tim said. A deep breath. "...a lot."

There was nothing more to say. It was somehow easier to cover her with the sheet again. Closing the drawer was hard. Really hard. It was like saying good-bye.

The funeral was easy. Sad, but easy. He could remember her, instead of see her. Remember Kate as she was...really. It was easier to move on that way. Not all at once. Step by step.

One night, weeks later, Tim went down to Autopsy. It was late. Everyone had gone home. He opened the door and walked to Drawer 107. For some reason, this was where he came, not her grave. The grave only held her body. He didn't open the drawer this time. He knew it was empty. There was no reason to open it. So he didn't. He just put his hand on the outside of it.

"I never said good-bye, Kate. I'm sorry that I forgot. Good-bye."

FINIS!


End file.
